Empathic Realization

As much as writing to you my friends is a cathartic release of my emotions I had to pause. It is hard sometimes, as an extrovert, to know if I am sharing my story or sharing the story of those around me through my lens of personal experience. In self reflection, these last few months, I have learned that I am the rarest kind of empath. I was just walking around the world wondering why I felt like all my energy was gone. I was sucking my own energy out.

Imagine a scenario: Your friend calls and she is crying. You can see the tears and their shoulders shaking, you can hear the sobs, you recognize the expression on their face. It is clear that they are very upset about something. As you approach them, you feel even more concerned. When you finally reach them, you ask what’s wrong and learn that they lost someone in their life.

In this situation, when did you start to feel sad? If you felt sad upon learning about the loss, perhaps recalling a time when you too lost someone very dear, then you are showing empathy. However, if you began to feel deeply sad, perhaps even feeling tears well up in your own eyes, as soon as you saw your friend upset and before you’d even approached them or learned why they were crying, you might be an empath.

Defining what an empath is then becomes very complicated. The word means different things to different people; some believe ’empath’ is just a new name for ‘codependent,’ while others see it as a metaphysical or spiritual gift or even a special ability. The term becomes a moving target subject to the perception of the bearer.

I read a study not long ago in Nature Neuroscience that reported only one – two percent of the population are true empaths and they experience a phenomenon. This phenomenon is considered to be highly-gifted ability called mirror-touched synthesis. In a nut shell, this gifting is when you feel touch (both physically and emotionally) by simply watching someone else be touched.

So is this good? Is it bad? Is this what I have been experiencing all these years? So I took the time to understand what was happening to me. In self reflection I learned that being highly empathetic makes you a better friend and teacher, more kind and compassionate, and an effective communicator. There’s a risk of becoming overwhelmed by taking on others’ emotions, especially if you can feel their pain but you don’t have enough information or tools to fix it. I learned that helping others taken to the extreme caused me to neglect my own life and responsibilities related to my own emotions.

I began to set boundaries and chose options of communications that were best for me and there was a backlash I hadn’t expected. Wasn’t changing my approach supposed to make things better for me? The problem wasn’t my approach, it was that that the receivers do not understand that you already ‘feel’ the response before you even speak a word. You’re choosing the path of least resistance to shield yourself from more pain.

Well now what do I do? Let them suck me emotionally dry (which I have done most of my life) or help myself emotionally knowing I’m going to lose people because they aren’t able or willing to allow me to have my own form of boundary setting?

[p.s. – you may think the above is a no brainer decision. If someone doesn’t respect your needs then they aren’t a really a friend. That isn’t really true either – as an empath you recognize the persons inability and thus making it hard to self regulate boundaries. It is hard especially when these situations happen when the person is immersed in their own pain making it ten times harder to see someone else’s perspective. My friends this happens to me far too much!!]

I don’t think we should look at having empathy, even if there is ‘overload,’ as something negative but something to be better regulated. It was so easy for me to drown in others’ pain so I needed to learn to take care of my own emotional needs. So how am I doing this you may ask? Piece by piece – Step by step – moment to moment!

First, I found out where I fell on the empathy scale. It is an important thing to understand about yourself as it can determine whether you need work on your skills to relate to others or whether you’ve gone too far in the other direction and are sacrificing your own emotional health.

So what are common traits of an empath? Here are a few things I learned:

You cry during commercials (birth of a baby or coffee commercials get me every time) or because a swan can choose a same-sex mate for life (excitement still to this day) – even the most benign situations can cause a flood of emotions that you have no idea why or where they came from.

When you are with an emotional vampire (they feel like they suck you dry emotionally) It takes you days to emotionally recover – and you find yourself in a emotional alone time living in your own headspace feeling immense loneliness.

You love to help people! Empaths truly and genuinely love to help people. I also craved being needed that way – in those moments by empathic abilities can shine!

True empaths are often highly sensitive in more ways than emotionally, so it’s common for them to report being irritated by itchy clothing or overly sensitive to smells. If someone touches me it can be a rush of uninvited chaos in my mind that I have to pick apart. A gift I both love and hate!

People naturally seek me out when looking for an emotional connection and will often say they don’t know why but they’re able to open up to me in ways they can’t with others. Empaths enjoy hearing about others’ experiences so they listen attentively.

I am loyal and someone who can be called on in an emergency. Feeling others’ emotions can make you feel very close to them which can help strengthen and build deep, lasting relationships with people. I am still learning how to set my healthy boundaries and I recognize they need to be maintained.

Intimate relationships suck for me. Spending time with someone I love and care deeply for can make me feel stressed and overwhelmed. Intimate relationships can deplete my emotional reserves and next thing I know I am enmeshed and codependent in relationships, losing my core sense of self in the emotions and experiences of my partner.

The flip side of that intense connection is that empaths may have a harder time moving on from relationships and separating themselves from others. I can get clingy or resort to unhealthy ways to maintain the emotional connections I need.

Intuition is my core! Did you know your best friend was struggling before she told you? Were you able to spot that your nephews seemingly perfect girlfriend was hiding some big problems? I was often able to pick up on subtle cues that others can’t see. I learned that I may not be able to verbalize or even understand all the stimuli I am taking in as it happens so I relied on my intuition as a very important tool, allowing me to act quickly.

I learned I was taking on the physical sensations of others, as well as the emotions. So if I see someone else itching, I may feel the urge to scratch, or if I see someone else become nauseous or complain of a headache, I may start experiencing those feelings too. This was and has always been an easy thing for me to recognize that I do. Others, who do this – often times get labeled as a hypochondriac.

Anything that helps me ground myself physically can also help me stay in the moment and be more aware of where I end and where others begin. Lastly, cognitive, behavioral, and dialectical therapies are particularly useful for helping me learn interpersonal effectiveness skills such as assertiveness, laying boundaries, and setting limits, as well as helping me to manage emotions and practice self-compassion.  When I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed as a result of the experience of others in the world around me I may choose to talk to you over texting – then I can hear, see, and feel the emotions, thoughts, and/or use my intuitive self to allow emotional separation.

Things I do that I love:

I love that as a highly empathic person (HEPs) I have an insatiable curiosity about strangers. I will talk to the person sitting next to me anywhere, having retained that natural inquisitiveness we all have as children, and I also believe that society beats out of us. 

I challenge my own preconceptions and prejudices by searching for what I share with people rather than what divides us.

I realized that empathy doesn’t just make me good—it’s good for me, too. I live everyday in the phrase “Walking a mile in other peoples shoes!”

I am a radical listener who allows herself to be vulnerable. Removing my mask and revealing my feelings to someone is vital for me in creating a strong bond.

I can make change happen!

Have I figured out how to live being all of these wonderful things? Sometimes! Some days I think I have it under control (ish) and other days – I am saddened and lost because my dearest closest friend doesn’t understand why I chose to protect my emotional headspace boundary. So I do what I do best and retreat trying to figure out my next healthy move. What a balancing act it can be!