The first time he raised a hand to me was 14 hours after we were married. When he pushed me down on to the bed face first when I was 7 months pregnant with our child, it was such a shock to me, as I really wasn’t expecting it, and did not think he was capable of raising a hand to anyone, let alone me.
It slowly escalated from there. He would hit me, and 9 times out of 10, I would apologize to him because he made me feel like I had started the argument with my mouth, and I truly believed that I deserved what he finished with his fists, I got what was coming to me.
Abusers usually blame the victim for the assaults, not taking responsibility for the violence they have perpetrated. They will underplay their abuse by saying I never closed fist hit you, or even as far as saying that he did not like violence or blood, together with the apologies and tears which often follow a vicious assault, leave the victim feeling very confused. There is simply no way of reconciling the words with the actions. The combination of the blaming me for the physical abuse and the apparent contradiction between what was said or how they appear in public and their behavior, left me feeling that the abuse really is my fault.
I have found myself, even today, where I am confounded by his atrocious behavior to my children. While over the many years of growth and healing – he still manages to tell them things built around his need to be the “good guy”. I smile and say to them – just remember not everything that is said is how it seems.
That is what healing has done for me. I do not need to take on his guilt, his shame, and his need for self. I am my own beacon of truth. I will continue to speak out about what life can be when you work hard on yourself. When you do work on you – truly work on you – you get to a place where you find self. There is nothing, NOTHING, he can say today that will break me.
Life Is Just A Soul Of Cherries 