Sense of Control

Exhaustion isn’t just physical but it’s mental and emotional as well. Do you know how many calories I must burn from worrying that because I have an army and I won’t be able to afford college tuition? Exhaustion is never ending, even on a great day.

My days are spent worrying about money, bills, my job, parenting, keeping up with the Suzy Q, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, cleaning, oil changes, hair cuts, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, more doctor appointments, homework, dishes, laundry, more cleaning, shaving my legs to feel like a girl, did I say more cleaning, feeding the cat, feeding the dog, training the dog, dealing with the ex, dealing with the ex husbands wife stuff that is not my stuff that is now my stuff, dealing with my children who hate my ex’s wife, negotiating schedule swaps, why doesn’t daddy love me and why won’t he spend more time with us, packing and unpacking my kids from visit time, teaching how to be ladies and gentlemen, dealing with new attitudes, will I end up with a pregnant teenage daughter, making sure to be a good companion, remembering to set the DVR to tape shows I’ll never have time to watch, then remembering I don’t even have a DVR anymore (oh yes I spent 20 mins one day wondering why I couldn’t get it to work), taking out the garbage, beating my head against the wall because I fell asleep before getting the garbage out and missing the garbage truck, grocery shopping, cooking something healthy that will not be eaten, ever! Yet I have to listen to moans of no food in the house, making a bowl of cereal twenty minutes later, finding theme clothing for a last minute never previously announced theme day at school (that I always put on my calendar), beating my head on the wall again because I’m out of Motrin and chocolate. You get the idea….

So when my days look like the above scenario I think that perhaps the deepest need I have is for a sense of control. When I feel out of control, I experience a powerful and uncomfortable tension between the need for control and the evidence of inadequate control.

Note that the need is for me is ‘a sense of control’, not for ‘control’. This need around how I feel about control is much deeper and has a wider scope than just seeking power and the control it brings. My everyday duties would make even the strong exhausted. I needed to know what was going on to keep the “holy shit I am going to lose it Mommy” at bay.

So for me, I lacked having a certain type of control in my previous life and these things seem to be essential in how I “tick” today:
~ A sense of certainty.
~ Completion of outstanding things, so I don’t have to worry about them.
~ Understanding of how things work.
~ Being able to predict what will happen.
~ That people (including myself) and things are consistent.