I spend more and more time at my virtual desk these days, doing everything from preparing the taxes to working on this blog. Because of this, my workspace is constantly changing.
Covid has brought so many changes to our workspaces. Many of us have brought work home and our jobs are no longer separate from our home life. For me, my job, was my only break away from the stress of being responsible for my manpanions mental health. I was living with an emotional vampire. How am I going to tell people that covid brought to light what I had hid for the last year?
Treading guardedly with family members, friends, even a few coworkers, I alluded to incidents that occurred during the last year of my relationship. Veiled in humor and off-handed comments, these revelations often produced expressions of astonishment, as many thought “he was such a great guy.” Some downplayed the details, uncomfortable with the conversation knowing us both. Others looked at me in astonishment and you could see it written on their faces…. “What’s wrong with you that you didn’t leave sooner?” and I would recoil, embarrassed and ashamed. Typical crabby cancer behavior!!
The reality is I was stuck and afraid. Again! I desperately wanted to believe he was the man I saw years earlier. I would have lived like that for a real long time because I saw good in all. Truth is in the moment, I didn’t know it was that bad, until I couldn’t escape him anymore. I truly believed that I could “save” him and everything was going to get better. The truth is he was never going to change. He wasn’t living who he was called to be and it was easier for him to be the same ol’ guy he always had been. Narcissists are great at welding together the most elaborate lies – and man oh man was my life uprooted when the truth came forward.
He could never admit that he had done anything wrong. His incessant need for all the attention to be on him, he would poke and poke at everyone in the house. He drained the life out of me everyday and then blamed me because I had nothing left to give him. Outing myself has changed my life. I have known for a long time now that being a caretaker can be my blessing and my demise. I learned that his narcissistic personality left HIM unhappy and disappointed when I did not give in. The second I was not giving him special favors or admiration (even if negative attention) he would find the relationship unfulfilling.
So he would do what he always did. Addiction! Women, drugs, alcohol, sex, porn or gamble our money away. You name it…that was his fall back! I would hear him lie over and over again for 1 year; to everyone everywhere! I knew what he had done.
l tried to fix it. But, trust me when I say, we all hated being around him. See in my house; Everyone knew and everyone suffered because of it. Yet, his inflated self ~ dictated everything. That is right. He was always deciding and doing what he wanted. We all sat back as he destroyed himself and demanded all of us to bend to his ways and if we didn’t……destruction.
We couldn’t escape the vampires hold until that moment when we could. It was the most peaceful moment we all had felt in a year and we were suddenly all infused with the blood he had drained out of us.
My house was finally alive again – the sounds of laughter and songs of joy filled every crevice like notes on a sheet of music. Being at my virtual desk was a song so beautiful that I realized I am responsible. Yep, I am responsible, not for him and his behavior, but for myself and my kids.
Life Is Just A Soul Of Cherries 